Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Bible says nothing about elves

If I stick my leg out of my bed to the right, I would be able to touch the door to my bathroom. Still, yesterday morning it took all the energy that I had to get to that door. It's probably three movements in total. Getting there was important since everything I ate, or tried to eat, essentially went right through me getting runnier, noisier and more violent as it continued from my stomach on down. I had to make that trip eight times that day. But enough about poop.

Since I last wrote, I've been in pain. The chemo settled in alright. In fact, if any cell grew on my body, the chemo slaughtered it like it was a scene out of the Old Testament. Before even getting to my belly, I would be able to follow the path of any morsel of liquid or solid food stuffs because it laid a passage of needling pain. My tongue felt like someone cut if off, another vague Biblical image I might add. And while I don't have any mouth sores, my mouth is still really, really sore. 

My belly would give me sharp pains throughout the day as a response to not having any blood cells to fight an infectious disease. My feet and hands feel like their grazing the tip of a knife. I would say they feel like someone is pounding stakes into them to continue this biblical theme but that would be overstating it a bit too much even for the sake of continuing a theme.

And boy have I had fun with side effects. I keep getting red all over my body. So it feels like I got sunburn all over. In Houston that would take, ah, a trip from the Pizza Hut to the car in the parking lot. My bald dome is filled with zits ( as a result of a virus) and can drive me nuts with itching. One night a doctor (I'll bet it was really a PA) said that there was nothing to give me besides Benedryl (that all-purpose drug again) and so I spent a night with a wet wash cloth on my head.  

Through the days and nights, I never puked. I've been close even earlier today but a combination of science (nausea drugs) and Michael science (munching on cereal all day even if it hurts to swallow) might have done did the trick.

My time has been spent like this: get out of bed and into a shower about 9 am after not sleeping most of the night; take shower, sometimes sitting; get out of shower and onto a chair for an hour; try to go for a walk around the ward and think about ordering lunch; don't order lunch; go to an "Exercise class" which is basically a class that gets you to move muscles; get back and nap; stay in bed rest of day and night. Now, generally, I would find this routine to be the most satisfying of anything I could possible do only there's that bit of cancer. Cancer can even ruin some good off-time.

On only a few occasions did I just lay and feel miserable. Usually, I tried to keep my mind occupied with kiddie porn and elf sex. Okay, not elf sex all the time. Actually my dad came down and now my beautiful and brave wife is here. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm courageous. She's the hero. She has to be Dad and Mom to two kids, while pregnant, fly to Houston to play Dad and Mom to me, keep the house in order, schedule babysitters and kid routines, fight with insurance companies and assorted medical personnel and oh yeah, keep it all together. That's more hero than most people I've ever known and certainly more admirable than my situation. I'm just sitting here feeling miserable and watching elf sex. 

Right now, the pain is subsiding a bit and my energy is picking up at least enough to write this. As you can guess, I'm probably over the rough stuff.  Even though I'm almost continuously on pain meds now, I'm not as pained when on them. I still can't sleep because now they have me on a new steroid as well as a whole new bucket of pills. We got stuff for my liver, more stuff for my stomach, stuff for my mouth, stuff for my hands and feet. They just bring them in. I swallow. 


  1. Always being as helpful as possible, here are a few links on to topic of elf-sex:

    During this search, I found an interesting tidbit of information: Liv Tyler is the daughter of model Bebe Buell and singer Steven Tyler but was raised believing her father was pop star Todd Rundgren, with whom Buell was living.

  2. Michael,

    That is some science fair project that you have going on down there. The chemo is connected to the cancer cell, the vomit is connected to the toilet bowl, and the Benydryl is connected to everything. Just think if this were the 8th grade ( I know that TDH makes it hard to think otherwise) you would be basking in Illinois State Science Fair glory with a great big Blue Ribbon pinned to your chest. Well we both know that this isn't 8th grade and that the prize for your project is something far greater than a Blue Ribbon. The prize for this series of scientific experiments is a smile. The sly smile that you will receive and wear for the rest of life. It will emit from deep within you. It will emit from your soul and shine forever. It will be the foundation of you as a person. It will appear when you are snuggled at home with you wife and children. It will appear at TDH when you overhear Cari and Greg passionately discussing a pitch. It will appear each day when you awake from sleep and the big yellow sun is shining on the horizon (I know that you are really not that big of a fan, but you will be). It will appear on your face just as if you had just eaten the canary. Those around you may not know it's origin but you will know and that's what counts.

    Hang in there and let the chemo put that F#@*ER cancer in it's place. Oh, and by the way, HAPPY FATHER"S DAY!!!!!!!


  3. Hi Mike,
    I've been away and you've been through a lot. I was in the true land of brats and beer - my homeland in fact - Germany. After all these years we finally went with my dad who was invited with several other Jewish refugees from the nazis to visit their hometown of Frankfurt. Saw the house where he grew up and the synagogue (destroyed on Kristalnacht) and the graves of my great grand parents and their parents etc. going back to the 1700s. Saw my grandfather's farm where my dad spent summers and even met two of the little girls (one is now 89, the other 83) that he used to play with! No words can describe how it felt to see physical proof of my ancestry and of what happened.
    You write beautfully of Sherri; how strong she is and how well she takes care you of you and your family. I hope she's feeling well and having an easy pregnancy.

  4. Since Michael is clearly tired of addressing you people, I thought I would take it upon myself to be Michael for a day and give you my, or rather, his thoughts, on current events and random topics:

    Michael Jackson - How does a guy who made hundreds of millions of dollars manage to get himself hundreds of millions of dollars into million on an Am Ex card. If one were going to wear an armband to memorialize his passing, would it be black or white?

    Farrah - While we have some fine pre-pubescent memories of the poster with the red swimsuit, was she really so famous as to have garnered so much attention? (until MJ hosed her by stealing death's spotlight) Seriously, other than Charlie's Angels and the poster, what else did she do - other than Ryan O'Neil.

    Houston - Damn, it's hot.

    Todd's taking on his persona - Idiot, you know you are not as smart, funny or clever as I am so why are you embarrassing yourself trying to be me? It's not like you will get to Sherri naked, she's all pregnant anyway.

    The pending birth of daughter - Well, as long as I'm in Texas I may as well pick up some firearms now so that I may properly ward off prospective suitors in the future.

  5. Michael,
    I just wanted to wish you a Happy Independence Day. I hope that the cancer cells in your body are being shredded as we speak. The kind of "Saving Private Ryan" ass-whooping that goes on in the first 5 minutes of the movie. When I go to see the 4th fireworks display down at Lake Ellyn in Glen Ellyn I will imagine that each time an explosion occurs overhead it will represent the Armageddon for your cancer.

  6. Oh my gosh, you had me at elf sex!!!:)