As I wait, the cancer spreads. There's nothing anyone can do. The day is very difficult for me. I'm very tired and sore. Sometimes drugs help and sometimes they don't. I'm taking naps now but that's not good because I'm not so tired at night.
I want to tell Conner. I want to tell him to remember every second of this. But I can't. In fact, I haven't. We haven't said anything to any of the kids yet but eventually it will become obvious. When I do, I have to put it in good kid terms. Harmless and non-committal. But I want to tell them differently. I want to tell Conner to lock in each second.
I wish I was Michael Keaton in that movie where he died from brain cancer but filmed all kinds of footage of himself. I just don't know what to say. Plus I look like shit.
I read other people's cancer blogs and they are much more upbeat. Some of the day I'm like that. It's those times when I tell myself that this is now a disease like diabetes and I just have to live with it. Those are the times I like the best but I feel like a fool thinking that.
The holidays are coming up. My wish is that I am given the gift of mind discipline. I want to think the right things, good things at the right time so my family and friends can enjoy the moments.