Monday, March 23, 2009

Say hello to Carlo and Francine

I've been living with these bumps on my chest for so long, I feel like they're old pals of mine. So why the heck not make them friends? 

Carlo is the bump on my left side. He's about 5 cm big and has this major Napolean complex. He's stubborn as all get-out and tough as a bouncer in David Yang's old neighborhood down in the slums of St. Louis. Perhaps as a result of the Napolean complex problem, he's been the leader. He was the Main Bump the first time I had cancer and was the first to come back the second time. Every morning after I wake up, I say hello to Carlo first, out of Godfather-like respect. And like the Godfather, he can destroy me if he so chooses. So I'm nice to him even though I'm doing my best to kill him. I send my army every couple of weeks. But so far, Carlo is virtually untouched. Carlo loves me. Because each time I try to get rid of him, he keeps coming back. I hate him and someday I will dispose of him the way I should. Through my backside. 

You may think Francine is Carlo's number 2. But she's not. That title goes to a 6 cm mass of madness that sits under my sternum. She's still tough and she's loud about it. Like my boy Conner when he was a baby, she's full of sound and fury. Francine would do just fine in David Yang's old neighborhood (I know this because David showed me his old neighborhood and it looked a little down-trodden. Plus Nelly went to his high school. Nelly's not that tough but he is a rapper. You know how that crowd gets into trouble these days.). About three months ago, Francine broke through my pec muscles. She's stuck around ever since. Recently while getting ICE, she started to get bigger. She moved around a few muscles and made her presence known. Now that she's up against GND, I think she's quieted down a bit. I'm trying to kill her, too. But she won't die. 

If any of you would like to give Carlo or Francine a message, please feel free. Reed, Todd and Glenn, please watch your language and remember to be respectful to Carlo. Also, Reed, Francine loves old eighties heavy metal. She still thinks Ronny James Dio is a god. And ah, Carrie Seanor, you can't date Carlo. 


  1. Imagine my horror and joy to start my morning with pornographic pictures of Michael's chest. I thought that when we gave up sleeping together in college that I'd seen the last of Michael in any stage of undress, but that top picture showing just a touch of nipple brings back some fine memories as well as a slight stirring in my loins.

    Speaking of pornography, I had a hearing two weeks ago regarding the custody and visitation arrangements for 12 year old twin girls. Since their parents divorce in 2005, the mom has relocated to California with her new husband who we will call Big Joe. The reason for calling him Big Joe is twofold, first off, his name is Joe and secondly - well I'm getting to that.

    Anyway, the mom moves to California in August and has then comes into town every 2 months to spend some time with the kids. My client says she spends 3 days with them at a time and the mom says it's more like 2 or 3 weeks. Please keep in mind that they both make these statements under oath. So, the mom hires an attorney who has been licensed since September, 2008 and who quickly proves that she believes that being a raging bitch is the sole qualification to being a litigation attorney. Don't get me wrong, some of my best court days are when I act like a bitch, but there's a little more to it than that. For instance, when the judge says that all persons who will be testifying need to leave the courtroom, it's sort of important that you tell your witnesses to wait in the hall. It's particularly important if you represent the mom whose parents are in the courtroom and the other attorney has filthy pictures of the mom and Big Joe sitting out in the open for all to see.

    The newbie attorney, let's refer to her as The Bitch does not tell her witnesses to leave the courtroom so as soon as the hearing begins, they are all barred from testifying. While the mom is testifying as to what a wonderful mother she is and how these little girls would be better off living with her and Big Joe in California I ask her if it would be fair to say that she and Big Joe engage in what one might term an alternative lifestyle. Being the smart ass bitch (can I say that here?) she is, the mom states that she doesn't know what that means. I do my best to ask again using different terms and trying to maintain a certain sense of decorum in courtroom, but she makes it clear she's not going to answer this line of questioning. This leaves me with no alternative so I pull out a stack of photos of she and Big Joe engaged in various sexual activities involving other willing participants and after making sure her parents get a real good view (forcing her mother to bolt from the courtroom) hand them to her and ask if they depict she and Big Joe. While admitting that yes, these are private pictures of she and her husband, she indicates that they didn't put them on the internet on such sites as adultfriendfinder or hornymatches and that somehow my client must have gotten a hold of these photos and posted them on the internet to discredit her. I know what you're thinking because both the judge and I were thinking the same thing, how the hell could her ex-husband get nudey photos of she and Big Joe and why would he have begun posting them on the internet as early as 2005? We don't yet have an explanation of that one, but I'll let you know what she has to say when the hearing resumes.

    Back to Big Joe for just one second. Let's just say that I can see why the mom is probably very happily married and at one point I was thinking that we would have to print out the photos on legal sized paper because there was a certain appendage that would not fit on 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper. In case he reads this, I would like Big Joe to know that I have nothing but respect, envy and awe for him and that I apologize for destroying his wife on the witness stand and that I hope he does not find it necessary to mushroom stamp me with that thing.

    Glad to hear your attitude remains positive because you really need to get better so that you can come home and let me buy you a beer. While we're at it, I have these pictures you may want to see.

  2. Beautiful pictures. Now we make a sexy time...yes?

  3. Unfortunate for Katy, but I think Reed and Todd would say your chest is more sexy and more manly than mine. I'm still searching for my first chest hair. I thought I found it the other day but no, it was just another one of the many hairs that had fallen out of my receding hairlined head. Getting old is fun but obviously not as much fun as Big Joe appears to be having.

    I don't know which lead singer tries to be better looking: the one in White Lion or the one in LoverBoy. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? And if you say Boy George you lose a testicle.

  4. I'm going to have to disagree with your boy band options on this one Glenno and give a big shout out to the one and only RICK Springfield. I had the pleasure of seeing him live and in concert in Omaha, NE many centuries ago and he rocked it.
    So much so that during one of his "stunts" - a life defying leap off of a speaker he split his pants. They immediately killed the lights and he magically reappeared back on stage a few minutes later. Now that's someone who knows how to please a crowd. On second thought if he really wanted to please the crowd he should have stayed on stage! None the less he would have to be the best of the best of that music genre.

  5. Point of parliamentary procedure...

    One boy does not a boy-band make. Sorry Cari, but unless you are referring to Rick's early work with 'Zoot' ( he is a solo act and as such is not eligible for 'boy-band' status regardless of his torn trousers.

    And before you nominate Milli Vanilli - they are a duo and also ineligible.

    The criteria as detailed in 'Tiger Beat' require at least three members all of whom must be male. One member must be 'dreamy cute' and at least one member must be a 'bad boy'.

  6. Hey Mike, if you need to waste a little time or are having trouble sleeping, Kristine is student teaching in London. She set up a blog, it is worth reading. She has done a good job writing it. Just thought I could help you waste a half hour or so.
    Hey Mike, Iknow this is very trivial compared to what you are going through, but if you want to waste some time, Kristine is student teaching in London. She has set up a blog. It is very entertaining to read. It might help you burn a little time.

  7. Metallica
    Black Sabbath
    Def Leopard
    Twisted sister
    Led Zeppelin

    Blessed are they who dance & sing