Monday, October 26, 2009

First They Take the Funny

Last week, the doctor called me over the phone and told me about my test results. Today, I got to see them in writing. It is very difficult to read on paper that you are dieing. 

This report is bad. I have a cluster of nodes in my neck that are cancerous. And I have one lymph node in my chest that's 2 cm big and cancerous. I have a biopsy on Thursday to confirm the test results. There's no shot that it's not.

Ever since I met my beautiful wife Sherri, I always loved it when she sang. She's happy when she sings and if people get past the annoying bastardization of famous rock songs, you become happy listening to her sing too. Every day, the house is filled with her singing some song she just heard on the radio. It's almost always a catchy boy band tune or something from the eighties. Today she sang Who Are You from the Who only she did it in her way, a snappy version of Who Are You. But it never matters.  And now I can't stop thinking that one day, the singing will stop.

Somebody prove to me that there is a just and kind God. I can't do it. We were a very happy family and God fucked it all up. Even if I break all odds and live longer than the one year they give me, how much longer will I go? Will I ever be able to walk one of my girls down the aisle in her wedding? Will I be able to help my son start his own business? Will I take my wife to Australia? 

The answer, of course, is no. Nobody gets those years. People talk about waiting for that miracle drug to come along but that's a complete fallacy. It's Hollywood. Drugs take decades to develop, years before any patient could ever put it into their veins. And so we patients know what's out there awaiting us. And there's no miracle drug. 

At this hour I can't sleep.  My b symptoms have begun again. That means that this cancer will soon be going all Midevil on my body. I can already start to feel it. The pains and fatigue are here. I already have that look. I weigh in at 165 Ibs. Before I had cancer I was a buff 190.

Now it is 1:30 am and you all are asleep. Good for you all. I took a sleeping pill but it doesn't work. I took two benedryl and still nothing. I lay in bed and think of how I failed my family. In the end, I didn't provide for them. My death will cause them pain and a feeling of emptiness their whole lives.  The pain of this burden is more immense every day. Cancer is eating up a part of me on the inside. The pain of screwing up my family forever is eating the rest.

Sometime later I'll sleep and that's the best time of my day. In my dreams I am normal. I laugh. I tell jokes. There's no b symptoms. My wife sings.


  1. It's not fair. Right now it's 3:32 am and I can't sleep either. You see my son is in the same boat. It's just not fair.

  2. michael, i don't know what to say except i'm thinking about you.

    jesus, looks like my funny is gone too.

  3. Ok, I guess that leaves it to me to bring a little levity back to the blog. Not an easy task after hearing the bad news. It also doesn’t help that I lay in bed staring at the ceiling until 1:00 last night and then laid on the couch staring at the tv until 3:00. However, here goes.

    My son is going trick or treating on Saturday dressed as batman. Not funny in and of itself, but the entire group of kids he’s going with are also dressing as batman. I’m waiting for the little old lady who has to call the cops to report that vandals are roaming the neighborhood, ding-dong ditching and smashing pumpkins. “How many of them are there ma’am? I see, and can you describe them?” Should be fun when they get to the police line up.

    How ‘bout that Bears game on Sunday?

    We have a dog now. On a good day, after he goes out in the morning he jumps into bed with my wife and I and tries to hump her head. She reacts to him the same way she reacts to me when I try to hump her head.

    Michael Jackson Halloween costumes

    A friend of mine called me a few months back because his wife wanted a divorce. I then didn’t see him until last week and I asked how he was doing. He said that during his marriage he would have put his happiness level at 85%. After his wife dropped the I want a divorce bombshell he would have put his happiness level at 20%. After he started humping his kids’ 22 year old former baby sitter 2 weeks ago, he would put his happiness level at 120%.

    Keep pushing brother.

  4. First, let me say that I am very pleased that Todd does not live in my neighborhood. A small army of creepy, junior-sized batmen rampaging down our street is more than I can handle right now.

    Michael, I am sure others have told you but let me add my voice to the chorus... You are not a failure at anything! In fact, the truth is just the opposite. As difficult and unpleasant as it has been, your fight against this awful disease has been inspirational for many.

  5. Michael, I think about you all the time. I am sorry things are shitty! As others have said, you are not a failure. You have failed no one, your body failed you! From your fight your children will learn that life is worth fighting for, and that their Dad is the toughest fighter they know. I am here if you ever need anything at all!

  6. It is impossible to say anything that makes any sense or difference right now. What you are feeling is normal and was predictable....I know that doesn't help YOU but maybe it eases all of our reactions to this week's tragic news. Are you involved in any support groups? Perhaps after you take your Nurf bat out and beat the snot out of the nearest bush, you might consider seeking support:

    Check out the "CAM" (complimentary medicine) section:,6_5_NA14_HEALTHMATTERS_S1-091014.article

    Right now, I'll bet you don't give a rat's ass about any of this but perhaps, in time, you will.

    One way or another, God will not forsake you!!

    I am praying for you and your family!!