This report is bad. I have a cluster of nodes in my neck that are cancerous. And I have one lymph node in my chest that's 2 cm big and cancerous. I have a biopsy on Thursday to confirm the test results. There's no shot that it's not.
Ever since I met my beautiful wife Sherri, I always loved it when she sang. She's happy when she sings and if people get past the annoying bastardization of famous rock songs, you become happy listening to her sing too. Every day, the house is filled with her singing some song she just heard on the radio. It's almost always a catchy boy band tune or something from the eighties. Today she sang Who Are You from the Who only she did it in her way, a snappy version of Who Are You. But it never matters. And now I can't stop thinking that one day, the singing will stop.
Somebody prove to me that there is a just and kind God. I can't do it. We were a very happy family and God fucked it all up. Even if I break all odds and live longer than the one year they give me, how much longer will I go? Will I ever be able to walk one of my girls down the aisle in her wedding? Will I be able to help my son start his own business? Will I take my wife to Australia?
The answer, of course, is no. Nobody gets those years. People talk about waiting for that miracle drug to come along but that's a complete fallacy. It's Hollywood. Drugs take decades to develop, years before any patient could ever put it into their veins. And so we patients know what's out there awaiting us. And there's no miracle drug.
At this hour I can't sleep. My b symptoms have begun again. That means that this cancer will soon be going all Midevil on my body. I can already start to feel it. The pains and fatigue are here. I already have that look. I weigh in at 165 Ibs. Before I had cancer I was a buff 190.
Now it is 1:30 am and you all are asleep. Good for you all. I took a sleeping pill but it doesn't work. I took two benedryl and still nothing. I lay in bed and think of how I failed my family. In the end, I didn't provide for them. My death will cause them pain and a feeling of emptiness their whole lives. The pain of this burden is more immense every day. Cancer is eating up a part of me on the inside. The pain of screwing up my family forever is eating the rest.
Sometime later I'll sleep and that's the best time of my day. In my dreams I am normal. I laugh. I tell jokes. There's no b symptoms. My wife sings.