By the afternoon the doctor called and told me the Morning Me was right and the Last Night Me was way wrong. The tests show the cancer is back in two sides of my neck.
What that means is I've entered into the Land of I Don't Know. This is a place where nobody really has the answers and you're on your own to find them. What medicine should I try? "Well, I don't know." Will it work? "Well that depends." How will I react to this treatment? "Well, we're not really sure."
The only job available in the Land of I Don't Know is the job of staying alive and getting treatment. And this job is hard. I have to make sure all the paperwork is shuttled from hospital to hospital. I have to get shuttled from hospital to hospital. And I have to, in a sense, be my own doctor. From here on out, doctors only make suggestions because they just don't know anything works. And because there aren't a lot of Hodgkin's relapsers alive out there, there aren't that many doctors who know how to treat them.
From here on out I'll be getting traditional chemo treatments along with experimental treatments. The key is to find something that works for a while. When that runs out, then I need to find something else. There are promising treatments out there but nothing that's a wonder drug. I'll have to fight through side effects and hope drugs take.
By now you may be asking how long I have. I can tell you that I feel good. My neck hurts but that's about it. The doctor told me it is a matter of years and not months.
By far the bravest citizen in this Land is my wife. What do I do about my wife? What do I tell her? How do I keep making her happy? What kind of future can we have? What should we both tell the kids? Welcome to the Land of I Don't Know.