Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Did I forget something?

I don't think a day goes by without thinking about at least one or two of you for the many kind things you have done for my wife, family and me. We've gotten great food, fun thoughts, lots of encouragement, hats, cards, plane ticket vouchers (those were especially handy), more food, plenty of emails, an offer to go to England to visit my English family, a ton of baby-sitting hours, advice on nausea, opinions about warewolves at night, many prayers, friendship bracelets, Ronnie James Dio websites and one cool t-shirt that references poop. I don't know if I ever took the time here to thank everyone. Sorry if I haven't. It's a bad oversight. 

Tonight's a bad night. You'd think I'd be so happy and relieved and I am at times. But sometimes I worry that it will come back. This is something I have to live with and control for the rest of my life. Like my balance and coordination, I haven't mastered it quite yet in this post SCT era. Woody Allen and other hypocondriacs wouldn't be good cancer survivors. 

Tonight my neck hurts. It's nothing. I know. The pain results from an old cancer injury. When it was growing like a weed, the cancer pushed my neck muscles on my left side further to the middle of my neck. While the cancer is gone, the tissue remains. 

The tissue all over me has remained. I'm sure many of you have assumed I'd just return to my old self. I thought I would as well. But I'm not so sure I will ever physically be back. The lumps and scar tissue remain. My chest is like driving in Northern Wisconsin--lots of hills nothing much to see. And my lungs aren't the same. I don't know if I'll be able to run much again. 

I asked the doctors and they say what you really don't want to hear and that's, "Well, we'll see." If I can't exercise much I will become what I despise most right now and that's a dumb fat Texan. Yes, I consider my time here to be sufficient to call myself a Texan. This is not something I'm proud of. 

So occasionally my neck hurts or something else hurts. But my mind works mighty fine. And that's a problem because I wonder. Like tonight. I know. It's nothing. Why can't I be a morning person? Morning people worry less. 

1 comment:

  1. It can be downright incredible, the horror, pain and illness that we humans are capable of "dealing" fact, these situations become so much a part of our lives that the thought of being relieved of them (i.e. getting well, or whatever) can present enormous stress and strain to our minds & bodies. Of course you are apprehensive about the future....the "what ifs" in life...the continual "whys" and "why nots". It's called change and sometimes situations (no matter how gruesome) can be more comfortable than dealing with changing them even if it's for the better. We humans are an odd sort, aren't we?! Don't worry about your lumpiness.....we'll have to get you a "The Fly" shirt with Jeff Goldblum's bumpy fly-self on it!
    Hang in there and get that Nurf Bat!!!