Tonight's a bad night. You'd think I'd be so happy and relieved and I am at times. But sometimes I worry that it will come back. This is something I have to live with and control for the rest of my life. Like my balance and coordination, I haven't mastered it quite yet in this post SCT era. Woody Allen and other hypocondriacs wouldn't be good cancer survivors.
Tonight my neck hurts. It's nothing. I know. The pain results from an old cancer injury. When it was growing like a weed, the cancer pushed my neck muscles on my left side further to the middle of my neck. While the cancer is gone, the tissue remains.
The tissue all over me has remained. I'm sure many of you have assumed I'd just return to my old self. I thought I would as well. But I'm not so sure I will ever physically be back. The lumps and scar tissue remain. My chest is like driving in Northern Wisconsin--lots of hills nothing much to see. And my lungs aren't the same. I don't know if I'll be able to run much again.
I asked the doctors and they say what you really don't want to hear and that's, "Well, we'll see." If I can't exercise much I will become what I despise most right now and that's a dumb fat Texan. Yes, I consider my time here to be sufficient to call myself a Texan. This is not something I'm proud of.
So occasionally my neck hurts or something else hurts. But my mind works mighty fine. And that's a problem because I wonder. Like tonight. I know. It's nothing. Why can't I be a morning person? Morning people worry less.