Wednesday, March 23, 2011

44 going on 80

Happy Birthday to me. I'm 44 today but that's just a number. Clearly that's a number.

Thank you for all of your birthday wishes. I know it's been awhile since my last post. I also know I've shut a lot of people out as far as emails and stuff. In particularly Kiki and Brandy. It all got to be too much and right now it's too much.

We're all just worn out. SInce we last talked, I was taking one of only two dependable treatments out there that has shown good results in banging down the many cancerous tumors that have grown throughout my body. At the halfway point, the tumors in my chest have gone down dramatically or disappeared. But that was the last I would see of Bendamustine.

My platelets are at a very, very low level and if Dr. O'Connor were to give me bendamustine or most chemos they would kill me, So he gave me some rituxan once every week for four weeks. Rituxan is a different type of drug in that it isn't considered a traditional chemo. It is a very popular drug with non-hodgers but isn't really used with us Hodgers because we generally don't have the type of tumor this drug would kill. However, Dr. O really looked at my case and noticed that I'm actually more of a tweener. I have both the hodgkin's tumor cells and non-hodgkin's tumor cells.

But even Dr. O'Connor admitted that it's not nearly as effective as bendamustine and quite frankly, I can see, feel and touch my tumors and they're growing. They've taken over my right side. Everything is worse. My itching is bad. My chest pains are back. New tumors are popping up and really I can do very little except scratch my head. Yes, that's an itch. I go from respiratory infection to the next without a break. Last week, my wife said, "I was worried for a while there. And you me. I don't worry about a lot of things." This morning I noticed that I can't live without almost thirty pills. My life now depends on a lot of pills. And even with them, I'm in pain and in danger of dying.

I tell you, I'm just really tired of fighting. Everything is difficult. I'm heading downhill. I feel so embarassed. The cancer is even affecting my dog Nala. I itch constantly now. Every five seconds or so my body would light up with a spark and then an itch. Nobody can do anything about it. Now, my dog Nala itches all the time. She's never had any allergies. And she doesn't have fleas. But she itches.

More than anything, cancer is relentless. It keeps coming after you, your body and your senses. I beg for it to stop many times during the day. I just wish I could feel normal for an hour. I'm tired now. I'm going to sleep. I itch through my sleep. I wheeze. I cough. I twitch because of the growing tumors. And that's when I'm resting. I will post again with a clearer head. But please send me good vibers, pray, do whatever. I would appreciate that. Please don't call my wife about this. She has enough on her mind and day. She knows all of this and more. We're trying. Sorry for the typos. I'm going to bed.


  1. I hope this message finds you itch free for the moment and well rested. I wish I were in Chicago to visit, to give you a hug and to say thanks for being a good friend. You're one heck of a fighter but I'm sure you're tired of it all. Michael - I've said it before and I'll say it again - you're The Man and I've damn proud of the way you've fought this C bastard. I will pray for your strength but more importantly I'll pray for your inner peace. You've been through a lot, more than anyone I've known, and if nothing else, you deserve inner peace. I miss you buddy. We all do.

  2. May you find peace today. We continue to keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. Namaste.